After a whirlwind year of traveling around the world, I took some time off, stayed put in Berlin, and traveled more within. The winter months were quiet, yet full of insights.
As they say, every medallion has two sides and my fantastic year of traveling was no exception: Besides the incredibly beautiful places I’ve seen and the amazing connections I made with new friends, locals, and fellow travelers, I also did realize that I have lost some companions along the way. Some of these realizations came with my return to Berlin.
Since I left New York, everything I’ve done was an act of letting go: my job and colleagues, my apartment, all of my belongings - from furniture to clothes -, friends. Many of these acts I was able to do with ease, grace, and dignity. I think mainly because it was my choice and it was necessary. But some of the required detachments really hurt and stuck with me for a long time. I understood and learned that the act of letting go when forced upon doesn’t come easy to me, and is something I needed to work on. In order to heal properly and move on.
Besides the people I had to let go of, it was also really hard to leave back the traveler’s version of myself. We all talk about how great traveling is, especially solo traveling. It is a life-changing experience. What we do not talk about is, how life-changing it can be to come back and drop out of the traveling world. As a traveler, you live every day like there is no tomorrow. You get out and are very active because you cannot waste your precious time. There is an invisible force that drives you, yet you do not feel forced to do things. It comes naturally. It is easy because you hop from one place to another, so it never gets boring. Exploration and experience are given to you on a silver platter. You constantly learn new things, you are more courageous than ever and you feel proud of yourself. You love your traveler self, more than you ever loved yourself because you are the most present. There is no role to fulfill, other than just to be. And you wish you could stay like this forever.
But you go back to, well, somewhere, your home, to your job, to an old partner, and you slip back into a role: daughter or son, friend, partner, mother or father. All of a sudden it is not just about simply being. You lose the spirit you just had. And you wonder “why can I not keep this going, be present and enjoy my regular life.“ and you start judging yourself. You start loving yourself less. For me, it was particularly hard because I came back to Berlin, which was not my home for the past seven years and which didn’t offer me any support system anymore. My parents were only part-time residents here, my brother moved away, my sister lives in the States, friends have different priorities hence changed. I was lost. And I had to deal with it, by myself.
Rest assured, I dealt with it.
I am proud to say that I always try. It takes a lot of suffering and honesty, but I deal with it. I fought my fights, I tried to make amends with people and situations, I apologized if necessary. I took my time to process. I forgave, especially myself, and it was time to move on. Yes, there are some nostalgic moments, of course, but I accept these moments, sit down with them, have a little chat and bid them farewell to the best of my ability.
I found a way to make Berlin my home again. I connected with myself and with few friends - new and old. What helped me tremendously was to create. I started taking creative portraits, self-portraits, in particular, exploring different styles and techniques. I also wrote and read a lot.
Last but not least I learned one thing about myself: I realized that I am pretty brutal in letting go. Because it takes me a very long time to actually let go of a person, feeling, or situation, I am ruthless when it finally happens.
And now, I am ready to turn the page and write a new chapter. Cheers!
This was written in March 2019.
